At what point in our lives do we decide to be positive people? This is a valid question. It’s so much easier to be negative. It’s easier to complain, be frustrated, and get your groupies on board with you. Isn’t that so much easier than consciously working to be positive? I say this because this has always been a struggle for me. As a child, I grew up in a home of constant fighting. My parents know they were not great together, so this is no big shock to them or anyone who really knows our family. When my dad came home from war, he had severe PTSD. Although, as a child I just thought he was really angry all the time. I had no clue what he had endured. The fighting escalated and a divorce ensued shortly after. My mother never really dated anyone after the divorce. My father dated women, all of whom I had a deep disdain for. Looking back on it now, I wonder if it would have been different for my relationship with them if I knew how to be positive. As an 11-year-old girl, raised in a negative environment, I didn’t know how to be positive with people in my family. I had no problem being positive with people outside my family. Weird, isn’t it? Anyway, there was one girlfriend that was physically and emotionally abusive. I won’t go deep into this, let’s just say the experience heightened my negativity, my defensiveness, and my anger. I was a whopping 85 pounds of angry little girl!! After a few years of dating, my dad met someone he really loved. Then came the wife, who was normal in the beginning, but dang about two days after he put a ring on that finger the crazy came out in full force. I won’t get into all the details of this either other than this…. if you marry someone with kids, you are insane to expect them to never speak to their kids. I mean come on, what planet did you come from? So the crap hits the fan one night as my little sister takes some pushing and is getting yelled at. For those of you that don’t know me, this may scare you. I apologize in advance… Remember when I told you about that previous girlfriend who was abusive? All the PTSD from that came rushing back on this evening. I am once again placed in a position watching my baby sister get pushed around and yelled at by someone who just entered the situation. Except this time is different, I am older, I am bigger, and I have 9 more years of anger built up. Needless to say, it was on like donkey kong! I refused to stand by and be the victim or allow my sister to be the victim anymore. And that became that! Let’s fast forward, I have a child, I get married. I am now a mother and step-mother. I am looking at these boys thinking..”I never want you to feel how I felt.” It was almost unbearable at times to think about how vulnerable these kids are without me to protect them. When I had my son, I can remember laying in the hospital bed, post delivery, and telling my mom that I wish I could put him back in. She looked at me baffled…. but I was so scared that I couldn’t protect him. I NEVER wanted him to feel how I had felt. In my stomach, no one could hurt him because they would have to go through me. In my twenties, it took me a long time to learn how to separate this negative, defensive mindset that had always been my key to survival. It was my husband who helped me changed. He has always been this incredible friend to me. He always saw the real me, even when I couldn’t find her. He knew I had a good heart. He knew I was an advocate for people. He never made me feel bad for being a female with a voice. He empowered me to be better. He encouraged me to forgive. Forgive both of my parents, whom I had spent a long time being mad at, and forgive the women who caused me pain. He showed me what a POSITIVE spirit looks like!! I was hooked from that point on to gain this secret to life that my husband had already mastered. I pursued my relationship with God. I wrote stuff all over my mirror to remind me of where my head needs to be. I have been doing these things for years. And while I am still far from perfect, and I struggle with going back to those comfortable negative thoughts that are so easy, I continue to fight the fight necessary to keep my positivity. It has taken me 33 years and 10 months to learn, that I am in control of nothing. I can’t protect everyone, I can’t save everyone, and I can’t fix everything that I feel needs to be fixed. Through all of this maturing, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God I am finally to a place where I can really let go. I can debate something with someone and enjoy that we have a difference in opinion without getting angry. I can learn their perspective on life. I can love them because God created them. I can also ask for forgiveness when I have my human moments and I know God forgives me. That forgiveness is priceless to me. Walking around knowing that it’s okay to mess up, it’s okay to get frustrated with someone, and it’s okay to be emotional because I am forgiven and everyday I am trying to be better than the day before. ( I always try to say my apologies if I hurt someone’s feelings. If I ever hurt your feelings and didn’t apologize, I was unaware. I am sorry!) There is freedom in that feeling. There is freedom in positivity. Life will never stop throwing curve balls at me, us, our family and I am okay with that. That’s strange to say so I will dive further in and tell you why. My husband and I attended church one Sunday. Just like any other Sunday. Except this particular Sunday was about something that we both needed to hear that week. (As it usually is..) Pastor Craig said this, “If you live life without challenge and full of blessings that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are blessed. It could mean that the devil doesn’t see you as a threat to him.” Instantly my husband and I looked at each other. We didn’t have to talk to one another to know. We had endured blending a family when we had no clue what we were doing. We had 4 children all under the age of 4 at one time and lived to tell about it. (One of which was a brand new baby with significant health needs.) Our marriage had endured the diagnosis of our new baby. We endured one car and not enough money to pay the bills at times. We endured every struggle that every young couple faces and then some. We have since endured taking in a 16-year-old. We endured my father going to federal prison, getting released, and coming to live with us (Good night, now that I am writing about it…sheesh!) We have endured another health issue with our oldest son. The common denominator here is WE ENDURED. I often think back to that sermon. Then immediately, a smile forms on the corners of my mouth. If forms because I know that the devil will try anything to come against those who threaten him. He really wants to bring those threats down quickly. We are talking “steal, kill, and destroy” here people….this ain’t no joke. My goodness, my family members, my family as a whole, must be a HELL of a threat. (No pun intended) What’s so crazy is this: Yes, I am tired ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, we are a big crazy family that is going ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, we hit challenges that test us ALL OF THE TIME. However, I have done ALL OF THESE THINGS in a negative world and a positive world and I will attest that the POSITIVE WORLD is a much better place to face life. So with this brief testimony that I have given you today, I will leave you with this…YOU CAN ENDURE. YOU CAN LIVE LIKE GOD INTENDED FOR YOU TO LIVE. It will NOT be EASY, he didn’t promise us an easy button. But you can smile knowing that it will all work out.. just have FAITH and BE POSITIVE!
blendedfirstfamily 