Reminders….

I haven’t sat down to do this in a while. To be honest, I didn’t know where I would even start. I love writing and allowing myself that time to express myself, my thoughts, and the endless jargon that rants through my mind. I also love my WordPress account because I can sit and type forever and save it all for a later date. I can write letters to my future self, my kids and their future selves, and MY people in general. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, I guess I’ll take you back to the general place that I left off last winter….My husband and I had a plan, as spouses tend to have. Then he got word that he had an opportunity for a job change, a thousand miles away of course! So we adapted our plan for him to pursue something that he had been praying about….We had been praying about. When your husband looks at you and says, “I feel like God is pulling me toward it.” You set aside your doubts and insecurities about the situation and submit to the will of God that is pulling the leader of your home in that scary, uncertain direction. So, we make some more decisions, change plans again, and again, and again… We had three weeks to find him a home in California, which was very difficult to do from Oklahoma, FYI…But we are a resourceful couple and have lots of friends from our tiny little town that have actually lived right where we were moving. (Imagine that…small world…GOD’s plan, no doubt!) We made the decision that the kids and I would stay behind to allow them to finish out school and say their proper goodbyes. That time would allow us to transition slowly to a new and different life. Then 9 short days after my husband starts his new job, our oldest daughter, our future son-in-law, and our unborn grandson are involved in a car accident that was fatal for our son-in-law and grandson. I will spare you the details and blur of what occurred in that week. It was, is, and will always be a tragedy for our daughter, her in-laws, and our family.

(I am handing you an extremely condensed version of events because it would be a book to give it all to you.)

All of that being said…fast forward through changing work schedules in order to single mom this situation, make enough money to support two homes (California ain’t cheap!), home school our youngest daughter, sell our house, sell my husband’s truck, finish my master’s degree, and get all these kids to all activities. (because trying to keep it as normal as possible is what Mom’s do, am I right?) All of this while helping my eldest grieve her loss, heal physically, and maintain her spirituality.

Side note: I have to say, my mother and I haven’t always agreed. In fact, our personalities have differed immensely since I came out of her womb… 😉 However, she is always there running errands, helping me with kids, and driving me crazy and I appreciate every moment of her time and how she chooses to show me love.

Again, that’s the basics. The details of life the last few months would absolutely be a 500 page book of crazy days with my big blended family. Moving on, we are just approximately one week away from the 4 month anniversary of the loss of Austin and Jaxon. I have watched our daughter go through a slew of insane emotions. 99% of which the public will never see or know, because she does not want them to and she struggles with allowing people to really know her. The other night we had a meeting with our Arbonne sisters. (I promote Arbonne and so does my daughter) As usual, our meetings are filled with spiritual men and women that come to educate and inspire (That’s exactly why I love this company so much!) As my daughter said when we left the meeting, “I don’t know if just attended an Arbonne team meeting or church, but I love it.” We laughed as she said it and it couldn’t be more true. As we are driving to the nearest Panera to eat we start talking about our life purpose. The conversation gets real, really quickly. The things I hear coming from daughter are thoughts of guilt, doubt, anger, disbelief and disgust with herself. WHAT??? REALLY?? I got mad at her…. I got so mad at her… I couldn’t believe after ALL that she has lived through (which was well over anyone I have ever known, long before losing her loves) that she was having these thoughts. My nursing/psychology side knows this is normal, but my mom side knows that I have poured Christ into her and this was unacceptable.

Another side note: I am a CHRISTIAN. I BELIEVE IN A LOVING AND FORGIVING GOD. I will admit that I cuss a bit ( I feel like sometimes you have to working in the ER, that’s my justification and I am working on it), I get frustrated, I am FLAWED, and I am HUMAN just like all of you. All of those things in mind, I know who I serve, where I am going, and I look forward to that day of ultimate love and relief when GOD feels that I have served my purpose on this EARTH.

So while I am sitting in the car talking to my daughter, fighting with which side of my brain I am going to listen to, I start to talk to her.

Another side note: Every talk my husband and I have had with her through the years is what I like to call a “Fly by the seat of our pants” kind of talk. I start off with what I know needs to be said and whatever comes out of my mouth just comes. Remember, our biological children are younger, hence, we weren’t prepared for sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll kinda talks. On another side note, I can officially say that we have since mastered EVERY uncomfortable talk that can be had with any age of human being. I am looking to hold lecture trainings for parents at some point in the future..hehehehe!

Moving on, she is talking and I start to spew from my mouth what I would consider a sermon worthy speech! And it goes something like this (again, the condensed version):

Do you really feel that way about yourself? Do you really think that you don’t deserve good things? Do you really BELIEVE that GOD created you to be depressed, unloved, and to fail? Or do you KNOW that we are in a spiritual battle every second of every day? Do you know that the devil wants you to feel guilty for surviving, loving yourself, and moving forward? Do you know that EVERYTHING that the devil does YOUR GOD means for good? The devil wants you to feel like if you move forward your forgetting Austin and Jaxon and that is a LIE! Austin and Jaxon are in HEAVEN. They want you to look up at them and smile while you take steps forward. They are not behind you, they are in front of you and they will remain in front of you calling you forward until the day that you are called to be with them in Heaven. The devil will have you believe that your Loving God took them from you and is punishing you. The devil wants you to be angry at GOD for doing this. The TRUTH is that GOD sees your hurt, he is crying with you because he knows how it feels to lose a child and watch a child suffer. He is holding you and loving you even when you are angry and doubting him. So this is what I am going to say to you: The devil means to steal your happiness, kill your spirit, and destroy your life. That is what he comes to do. Place that anger on the one who deserves it and that is the devil, NOT GOD. Accept and trust that your God saved your boys and even though the devil meant if for bad, God has made it good and will continue to do so. In your memories of Austin, while you replay that accident in your head and you hear shattering glass and you are breathless and paralyzed with fear and the chaos that surrounds you. BE STILL and remember that he reached across to protect you and Jaxon. In that chaos, there is beauty. That beauty is that memory of a good man, loving you, and exemplifying the type of father that he already was!

Needless, to say we cried and cried and cried. We replayed the accident from her point of view. I got loud and shouted at her that GOD loves her. I refused to accept the negative and doubtful perception that the devil tries to bring to her. I told her to choose her perception. She can choose to allow the devil to replay pain, to bring her grief, and take her joy. Or she can choose to see it for what it is when the devil is making that attempt on her thoughts. She can slowly close that door in her mind on the devil and make it to where he is unable to walk through it.

I work on this daily and I am no angel, TRUST ME I know where I am lacking. At the same time, I know that I deserve good things and I know that God sees my heart.

I felt called to write this down today for my daughter to call on when she needs reminding. Also, to serve as a reminder to those of you out there who may need it or know of someone who may need it. Our job on earth is to lift each other up, care for each other, invest in each other, and support each other in Christ. We are not meant to do it alone. We are meant to do it together. Remind others of your love for them and Christ’s love for them….you never know how you’ll impact them and you never know if it may be your last words to them in this life. Love always wins!

 

Much  LOVE,

Amanda C.