My daughter’s and I have been having a lot of conversations about relationships as of late. Specifically, friendship relationships. The older I get the easier it is to discern who is authentic and who is not. Who competes and who does not. Who is genuinely interested in a deep friendship and who is not. I keep telling them that it doesn’t change as you get older.
For reference, have you ever started out a friendship, maybe someone you met in a social circle, and thought I can see us becoming good friends? But then, you start hanging out more and more and you realize that this person doesn’t always show up as the same person in regard to their interactions with you? One time they are sweet and supportive and the next they are passive aggressive in a derogatory way but play it off like they are joking? You start to notice that it takes a lot of your energy to be around them… and then you realize that it no longer feels like a great investment of your time.
I advise my daughters that, that cycle never ends. Even into adulthood, we may believe that someone feels the same way about us that we feel about them and then one day these patterns start to develop and it doesn’t feel quite right. We have to identify the type of friend they are capable of being and reflect on if we are able to continue to engage in that friendship without expectations. The deepest type of hurt we feel in friendships is having an expectation that the friend is unable to meet, because well “but I would do that for them.”
We have to address who we are so that we can truly see who others are. We can’t expect everyone to be who we’d like for them to be. Some people aren’t going to be able to meet us where we’d like to be met.
In these conversations, we’ve talked about slow stepping relationships a bit more so that we can truly evaluate who someone is before giving them deep information about ourselves. Friendship should be safe. We’ve talked about limiting those who are passive aggressively derogatory in the name of joking. That type of competitive friendship, certainly doesn’t feel safe. We’ve talked about friends who try to set up a narrative about you, that isn’t true but they speak to it like it is. That definitely doesn’t feel safe. In fact, all of those things are signs of deep insecurity and a need to feel superior.
What type of friendships do we want? We want a deep connection with our friends. We want friendships that don’t judge, no matter what the situation is. We don’t want jealous or competitive friendships. We want calm and connected conversations and sisterhood with lots and lots of humor!
One of the things I’ve learned in life is that these friendships are so rare and I let my daughters know that you may only have one or two of these in your life. (Hopefully, you have so many more.) I’ve been lucky enough to have 3 of these in my life. None of these friends live anywhere near me but we talk/text daily and our connections and support for one another are strong. I am forever grateful to them and all that they provide to my life. I am enriched because of their genuine friendship.
I hope that my daughters can find the same type of friendships as they navigate their lives.
I will leave you with this. You know you are with true friends when you are not fighting the energy in the room, your nervous system is calm, and you don’t feel the need to correct them as they try to invalidate you and your lived experiences to everyone in the room. Honor yourself and your truth. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. We aren’t meant to be besties with everyone… and that’s okay.
Signing off,
Amanda
blendedfirstfamily 