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My daughter’s and I have been having a lot of conversations about relationships as of late. Specifically, friendship relationships. The older I get the easier it is to discern who is authentic and who is not. Who competes and who does not. Who is genuinely interested in a deep friendship and who is not. I keep telling them that it doesn’t change as you get older.

For reference, have you ever started out a friendship, maybe someone you met in a social circle, and thought I can see us becoming good friends? But then, you start hanging out more and more and you realize that this person doesn’t always show up as the same person in regard to their interactions with you? One time they are sweet and supportive and the next they are passive aggressive in a derogatory way but play it off like they are joking? You start to notice that it takes a lot of your energy to be around them… and then you realize that it no longer feels like a great investment of your time.

I advise my daughters that, that cycle never ends. Even into adulthood, we may believe that someone feels the same way about us that we feel about them and then one day these patterns start to develop and it doesn’t feel quite right. We have to identify the type of friend they are capable of being and reflect on if we are able to continue to engage in that friendship without expectations. The deepest type of hurt we feel in friendships is having an expectation that the friend is unable to meet, because well “but I would do that for them.”

We have to address who we are so that we can truly see who others are. We can’t expect everyone to be who we’d like for them to be. Some people aren’t going to be able to meet us where we’d like to be met.

In these conversations, we’ve talked about slow stepping relationships a bit more so that we can truly evaluate who someone is before giving them deep information about ourselves. Friendship should be safe. We’ve talked about limiting those who are passive aggressively derogatory in the name of joking. That type of competitive friendship, certainly doesn’t feel safe. We’ve talked about friends who try to set up a narrative about you, that isn’t true but they speak to it like it is. That definitely doesn’t feel safe. In fact, all of those things are signs of deep insecurity and a need to feel superior.

What type of friendships do we want? We want a deep connection with our friends. We want friendships that don’t judge, no matter what the situation is. We don’t want jealous or competitive friendships. We want calm and connected conversations and sisterhood with lots and lots of humor!

One of the things I’ve learned in life is that these friendships are so rare and I let my daughters know that you may only have one or two of these in your life. (Hopefully, you have so many more.) I’ve been lucky enough to have 3 of these in my life. None of these friends live anywhere near me but we talk/text daily and our connections and support for one another are strong. I am forever grateful to them and all that they provide to my life. I am enriched because of their genuine friendship.

I hope that my daughters can find the same type of friendships as they navigate their lives.

I will leave you with this. You know you are with true friends when you are not fighting the energy in the room, your nervous system is calm, and you don’t feel the need to correct them as they try to invalidate you and your lived experiences to everyone in the room. Honor yourself and your truth. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than. We aren’t meant to be besties with everyone… and that’s okay.

Signing off,

Amanda

Hello friends, one of the biggest life events to occur in our family during my blogging sabbatical, was the loss of my mom.

Between my husband and I, my mom was the first parent that we’ve lost. And it was hard!

There’s a lot I could say about her… A lot I could say about the months, weeks, and days leading up to her passing. And maybe at some point, I’ll write about that more in depth. But for now, I want to write about who she was to me.

I understand we all experience people differently. We perceive each other through the film of our own lived experiences. That is human nature. I’m fully aware that who she was to me is not who she was to everyone and that’s okay.

Where to start? I mean the relationship between her and I could be a chapter book. This is a blog so I do have to condense it a bit.

My childhood was complicated. My parents rarely agreed and from what I witnessed, my mom always succumbed to the will of my dad. For most of my life, I thought she was spineless. I experienced her as a passive person. I actually had a lot of resentment toward her for not standing up for herself and for us.

As it happens, we grow and mature with life experience, and hopefully we all have an awakening moment where we realize that our parents are just humans. It’s their first time living too, and they don’t have it all figured out.

I realized that I’d always compared my parents to people who I thought were ideal parents. The first sign of immaturity on my part. But that’s where I was at developmentally and I allowed my anger and resentment to carry me forward for quite some time.

I felt like I raised them for most of my life. And if we’re being honest, I did have much more responsibility than any child should have. Both of my parents have admitted that is true and my husband can attest.

Then I became a mom, a 19-year-old mom, and my mom showed up for me in so many ways. I recognize her sacrifice as the grandma she wanted to be versus the grandma she had to be in order to assist my brother and I with our children. Retrospectively, I think that this is a big one. I see it now that I’m a grandmother. She watched her grandkids every day after school for hours until we were off work. Now, did she make sure they ate healthy and got all their homework done? No… Did she make sure she pumped them full of sugar and took them to sonic and lived out all of her chaotic grandma dreams? Yes… Yes, she did. And I’m glad she did because even though she had them daily and had more grandparent responsibility because of it, she still found ways to be a grandma that she wanted to be and not the Grandma that was required of her. I really love that for her! And if you ask any of her grandchildren, their after school memories of their grandma are some of their fondest.

Okay, back on track. I’ve always been a bit anxious, struggled in my adolescent and early adult years with OCD, and the list goes on. But unless you knew me closely, you wouldn’t have known all of that. I struggled to connect with my mom through all of my issues because she wasn’t good at having hard conversations. She was good at smiling and pretending like none of it was happening. I used to resent her for that too. I needed her help and she couldn’t give it to me.

Fast forward into adulthood when I started seeking more help for myself. Growing, through endless amounts of therapy and self reflection and self accountability. I started putting together the patterns of my mom’s behavior. I talked a lot with my therapist about the way she always physically showed up even if she couldn’t emotionally connect on a deep level. The more trauma informed I became, the more I recognized my mom’s own trauma responses.

And then one day, I just asked her.. point blank. Connection is hard for you and you get petty or altogether avoidant when you feel backed into a corner or devalued. What happened to you? And then she told me. She told me things that she had never told anyone. A 60-year-old woman who had carried so much trauma. And listening to her talk about it I completely understood why she communicated the way she did, avoided the way that she did, reacted in pettiness the way that she did.. it all made sense. And it made me sad for her.

After our awakening moment with one another, I had a lot more understanding. My resentment fell and my love for her was able to grow. Now, did that take away moments of frustration with one another? Nope. But was I able to recover from those moments and not hold them against her forever or stop talking to her and punish her with isolation, but call it a boundary? Yes, because now I understood her. Please listen when I say that I’m not saying boundaries aren’t appropriate when they’re necessary. But I do feel like people over use them. There’s a quickness to getting offended and not trying to sit down and have a conversation or come to a compromise or even learn about the other person.

When I sat and thought about it… Did my mom say the right things all the time, no. Did she react in ways that were immature, yes? But on the other hand, did she show up when I needed her, yes. And I think she felt comfortable doing that because at the core of it, she knew that I understood her and I loved her and I accepted her.

Going through my own accountability I’ve often wondered how much my kids can hold against me. And even though I feel like it’s far less than what I could hold against my parents, I’m sure they could still find plenty of flaws to be upset about. But is it fair to hold our worst moments against us forever? Would I want my kids to do that to me? Aren’t we all capable of growth and change?

Parenting and grandparenting tends to point out all of those gaps. When you start to realize it can easily be done to you. It’s much easier to analyze and come to a different and more forgiving conclusion.

I’m lucky… I’ve been able to have really hard conversations with both of my parents. And I’m lucky because they’ve been accountable to their flaws. There are parts of them that I deeply love. And there are parts of them that make my eye twitch. But that’s okay. Thats normal. I’m sure that I given them the same symptoms at many points in my life.

I miss my mom terribly. She told me that she would haunt me, but in a good way! Hahaha! She certainly haunts my thoughts. We lived in different states and for the last five years of her life I talked to her about 3 to 5 times a day. She lived alone, even though my dad lives across the street. (they were divorced for 30+ years, but remained good friends). She was a great listener and confidant. No one really understands your motherhood journey, like your mother. I certainly miss having her to talk to in live action. But I continue to talk to her like she’s standing right next to me. It’ll be interesting on the other side someday to see how much she listened to. I’ll have my quiz ready for her!

I’m thankful for our relationship healing and the deep connection that I had always longed for with her. I’m thankful for her always wanting to and being willing to show up. I’m thankful to have watched her own emotional growth in her last decade of life. I’m sad that it took me so long to get there with her. It feels like wasted time now. But I wouldn’t change where we ended up.

Thank you for being my friend mom. I miss you very much. Your smile, laugh, and ornery personality are seared into my thoughts. Your impact runs deep and I hope you hear us every time we speak about you. We love you babe!

Your daughter,

Amanda

Wow… It’s been a few years. I’m not even sure where we left off because I have a ton of drafts that I haven’t published. It is my goal to read back through them and publish those that are ready to be seen.. Thank you to everyone who continues to come back here even after my long gaps in writing.

I mean, what’s happened in the past few years? I’ve been promoted at work, I was a RN through Covid (never again), I’ve gotten all my babies graduated from high school, and even two of them through college.

All in all… Pretty solid work! That statement minimizes every detail of effort that it took to get our family to this point, but it would be 1000 page book to articulate how to run a large family, finish masters degrees, assist aging parents, afford life, eat healthy, exercise, and make a valiant attempt at keeping our own sanity (this will be a lifelong goal). But nonetheless, it is pretty solid work if I do say so.

We have a seven-year-old grandson, who has an endless energy and capacity for human connection. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone quite like him. And I’m not saying that because I’m biased, I honestly cannot recall meeting another human that’s similar to him. I really love that about him.

His mom, our oldest, is the most patient young mom I’ve ever seen. She affords him the space to be his authentic self. Watching her, makes me simultaneously proud and full of shame for the patience I lacked when I was her age. She’s doing an amazing job.

Our oldest son is finishing up his bachelors degree after obtaining two associates degrees. He was the most impacted in his development by Covid and the shutdown. He missed out on two years of interacting with his peers at the end of his high school time and freshman year of college. I hate that for him but he adapted well and hasn’t let anything stop him from obtaining his goals. He’s a deep empath and internal processor. It’s hard to know that something’s bothering him until he’s wearing it on his face, and typically by that point it’s really bad. He’s doing better at sharing his feelings and setting boundaries for himself with others. He is a people pleaser and he’s working on remaining a genuine, authentic person, without letting people walk all over him. It’s a delicate balance.

My stepson has graduated from college and is on the job hunt. I told you all before how much of a budgeter he is so of course he saved his money to give himself six months of no work and decompressing from school. He’s a planner and he’s very good at sticking to his plan!

My middle daughter is in college with two internships, on the dance team, and works two jobs. Her work ethic is unmatched. But her propensity to say yes to everything and then want to excel at it, is unrealistic. We’ve had some honest conversations about being able to say no, and not having to be the best at every single thing. Her brain is busy and she has a drive to feel productive, so we’ve been working on a realistic and healthy balance.

My youngest, who has Williams syndrome, well it’s her world and we’re all just living in it! Nothing has changed there. But we found a community of special needs families where we live which makes me feel that this is where we were meant to be. The things our daughter has access to are unmatched and would rival special needs communities in many areas of our nation, I’m sure. I’m always grateful for our special needs family and friends.

I’m not sure if I wrote about it before, but my best friend, Emma, passed away in 2017. She was a dog we rescued, but she was basically a human. You had to know her to understand. Shadow, our Akita, lived to be 13 years old. She died a fulfilled old lady.

We have two other dogs now, our three year-old mini Aussie doodle name named Roxie and our seven-year-old mini Aussie named Willie Two Moons. They keep us on our toes.

This is an extremely general update and lacks all the messy details that occurred in order to get our family to this point. However, those are separate stories for a different time. They will make their appearance when they’re supposed to.

In the meantime, it was good catching up. I’m going to be trying to write at least once a week going forward. It’s cathartic for me, in the most self-serving way, but if my random thoughts help anyone else feel less alone or more validated in their own life, then it was worth me sharing.

Until next time,

Amanda

Today marks the day that I am officially a teenager again! Right about now you are scratching your head and thinking, “Okay, Amanda has officially lost it.” Before you jump to conclusions and paint me the crazy lady, let me explain. People, today I have been married to the best man ever for 13 years! So, we are officially teenagers again. We grew up together, became best friends, picked each other up, and encouraged each other and through all that we have hit our teen years together, once again!

My husband saw something in me at a young age that I had no insight into until he became my husband. He always knew what he deserved. He was confident, calm, athletic, sexy, and the list goes on. I was a hot mess of emotions, anger, and resentment. My childhood and his childhood were exactly the opposite of each other. I hid my pain and only let a few people in on it and compensated by being an over achiever and a bit OCD. I was and always will be, however, the advocate for the underdog. I guess he liked that about me. Or as he puts it, “I always knew your heart and your heart is good.” I am saying all of this to say, that I am the luckiest girl alive! Through the years, he’s helped me to understand my worth, forgiveness, loved me, and shown me unending grace. I have lit a fire under him to push himself further, achieve his educational goals, work goals, and taught him how to articulate his needs and not be afraid to ask the tough questions. (Communication people… anyone who knows me, knows that’s my thing..;)

And today we celebrate 13 years of two opposites that attract. His weakness is my strength and vice versa! He loves to be in large bodies of water… I love to look at large bodies of water..like from the shore. He loves heights and adventure; I love adventure from the ground and won’t do heights so don’t ask. He doesn’t mind a dirty house; I must have order (I have relaxed over the years..and he’s gotten a bit cleaner…just a bit) And all these things seem to work together pretty perfectly. We are just like everyone else and there are times that we don’t agree, but we know each other and we respect what the other needs. In thirteen years of marriage and a lifetime of love, I continue to learn about my husband.

Things I have learned:

~I won’t ever get tired of his big laugh. The one where he shows ALL of his teeth and his crows feet curl up at the end of his eyes. That laugh never gets old, and melts me every time.

~When to step back.

~A real Man loves his wife, and isn’t afraid to let her shine her light.

~What ride or die love feels and looks like.

~How to accept help.

~What an Amazing Dad and husband looks like in real life on the daily.

~Sacrifice

These are just a few things that I have learned and there is no way to fully express the love that I have in my soul for my husband. He has no idea how much he impacts me, how much I love him, and how much I think about him throughout the day. I hope that everyone in the world gets to feel the kind of love, security, and safety that I feel from my husband. He is my world, the father of my children, my best friend, my soul mate, and my family! To many more years of laughter, love, kids, grand kids, traveling, and adventures with you Johnnie Alan. I love you more much! Happy Thirteenth Anniversary! #rideordie #bloodinbloodout #scholarshipplayer #weareteenagersagain

This year has been a whirlwind of change; in the form of loss, grief, moving, and so much more. 2017 started off rough with the loss of our son-in-law and grandson and has continued to prove to be a challenging year with the loss of two uncles, a cousin, grandmother, and our Emma dog. Along with moving half way across the country and leaving all of our family and friends behind. I have much to write about and many thoughts that circle through my head that I jot down just to get them out, but I have found it difficult to form an actual blog post this year.

The last few months I am reminded that 2017 has been a challenge and grief filled year while being the most adventurous year of my life, all at the same time. All year I have thought about the fact that I can’t wait for this year to be done, because 2018 has to bring good things. (To be frank…It has too..It doesn’t have a choice!) As the year comes to an end and I get ready to celebrate my middle child’s birthday, my wedding anniversary, CHRISTmas, and the New Year, I can’t help but reflect on what this year has done for me on many levels. Personally, I took a leap of faith and left EVERYTHING comfortable and familiar to experience life in California. Professionally, I gained a job that I love and for the first time I feel full-filled in my career while not compromising my ability to be present as a mother and wife. (That compromise is difficult in Nursing…heck, in any type of public service position where shift work is involved!) I love the changes that have occurred and I feel as though we are finally settled and finding our way around, however, now that the dust has settled, the emotions come flooding through.

Talking with my daughter the other day and realizing that we are still here, still standing, still moving forward: it makes me smile. While 2017 can be considered the most challenging year of life thus far, I think it’s all about perspective. I could say that it sucked. Flat out.. 2017 just sucked. But, I don’t think that is a fair assessment and I’ll tell you why. 2017 was the year that so many people who I hold dear went to Heaven. So, how can that suck? The answer is, it can’t! The ONLY thing that I want in life is for my children, husband, and family to be happy and then go to Heaven (HOME!) when it’s their time. That’s it. Happiness. Heaven. Reflecting on those two things, I can’t think negatively about this year. This year is a split second of time. Eternity is forever. In 2017, our family members got called HOME because our God knew it was their time. This year has ensured an eternity of happiness for the family members that we have lost. So I say again, how can that be a bad thing?

As we all come into this holiday season and spend time with our families and friends remind yourself to keep it in perspective. We never know when our last day will come, but we do know what it takes to spend ETERNITY in HEAVEN. Love the people who treat you badly, show them what grace and forgiveness look like. Love them because they may not love themselves. Then cherish everything they do that irritates you because if you lost them, you’d miss their craziness. We all have a head knowledge of these things, but when you have a year like my family has had, you are bluntly reminded that you are not immune from pain and loss. I am not perfect and I most definitely get irritated, but I feel that this year has punched me in the face with the reality of loss and I felt compelled to share it with you all.

This holiday put the phone down, have face to face conversations, smile, love, enjoy, and hug the people in your life. (Even if you feel they don’t deserve it..LOL) Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,

Amanda

I haven’t sat down to do this in a while. To be honest, I didn’t know where I would even start. I love writing and allowing myself that time to express myself, my thoughts, and the endless jargon that rants through my mind. I also love my WordPress account because I can sit and type forever and save it all for a later date. I can write letters to my future self, my kids and their future selves, and MY people in general. I highly recommend it!

Anyway, I guess I’ll take you back to the general place that I left off last winter….My husband and I had a plan, as spouses tend to have. Then he got word that he had an opportunity for a job change, a thousand miles away of course! So we adapted our plan for him to pursue something that he had been praying about….We had been praying about. When your husband looks at you and says, “I feel like God is pulling me toward it.” You set aside your doubts and insecurities about the situation and submit to the will of God that is pulling the leader of your home in that scary, uncertain direction. So, we make some more decisions, change plans again, and again, and again… We had three weeks to find him a home in California, which was very difficult to do from Oklahoma, FYI…But we are a resourceful couple and have lots of friends from our tiny little town that have actually lived right where we were moving. (Imagine that…small world…GOD’s plan, no doubt!) We made the decision that the kids and I would stay behind to allow them to finish out school and say their proper goodbyes. That time would allow us to transition slowly to a new and different life. Then 9 short days after my husband starts his new job, our oldest daughter, our future son-in-law, and our unborn grandson are involved in a car accident that was fatal for our son-in-law and grandson. I will spare you the details and blur of what occurred in that week. It was, is, and will always be a tragedy for our daughter, her in-laws, and our family.

(I am handing you an extremely condensed version of events because it would be a book to give it all to you.)

All of that being said…fast forward through changing work schedules in order to single mom this situation, make enough money to support two homes (California ain’t cheap!), home school our youngest daughter, sell our house, sell my husband’s truck, finish my master’s degree, and get all these kids to all activities. (because trying to keep it as normal as possible is what Mom’s do, am I right?) All of this while helping my eldest grieve her loss, heal physically, and maintain her spirituality.

Side note: I have to say, my mother and I haven’t always agreed. In fact, our personalities have differed immensely since I came out of her womb… 😉 However, she is always there running errands, helping me with kids, and driving me crazy and I appreciate every moment of her time and how she chooses to show me love.

Again, that’s the basics. The details of life the last few months would absolutely be a 500 page book of crazy days with my big blended family. Moving on, we are just approximately one week away from the 4 month anniversary of the loss of Austin and Jaxon. I have watched our daughter go through a slew of insane emotions. 99% of which the public will never see or know, because she does not want them to and she struggles with allowing people to really know her. The other night we had a meeting with our Arbonne sisters. (I promote Arbonne and so does my daughter) As usual, our meetings are filled with spiritual men and women that come to educate and inspire (That’s exactly why I love this company so much!) As my daughter said when we left the meeting, “I don’t know if just attended an Arbonne team meeting or church, but I love it.” We laughed as she said it and it couldn’t be more true. As we are driving to the nearest Panera to eat we start talking about our life purpose. The conversation gets real, really quickly. The things I hear coming from daughter are thoughts of guilt, doubt, anger, disbelief and disgust with herself. WHAT??? REALLY?? I got mad at her…. I got so mad at her… I couldn’t believe after ALL that she has lived through (which was well over anyone I have ever known, long before losing her loves) that she was having these thoughts. My nursing/psychology side knows this is normal, but my mom side knows that I have poured Christ into her and this was unacceptable.

Another side note: I am a CHRISTIAN. I BELIEVE IN A LOVING AND FORGIVING GOD. I will admit that I cuss a bit ( I feel like sometimes you have to working in the ER, that’s my justification and I am working on it), I get frustrated, I am FLAWED, and I am HUMAN just like all of you. All of those things in mind, I know who I serve, where I am going, and I look forward to that day of ultimate love and relief when GOD feels that I have served my purpose on this EARTH.

So while I am sitting in the car talking to my daughter, fighting with which side of my brain I am going to listen to, I start to talk to her.

Another side note: Every talk my husband and I have had with her through the years is what I like to call a “Fly by the seat of our pants” kind of talk. I start off with what I know needs to be said and whatever comes out of my mouth just comes. Remember, our biological children are younger, hence, we weren’t prepared for sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll kinda talks. On another side note, I can officially say that we have since mastered EVERY uncomfortable talk that can be had with any age of human being. I am looking to hold lecture trainings for parents at some point in the future..hehehehe!

Moving on, she is talking and I start to spew from my mouth what I would consider a sermon worthy speech! And it goes something like this (again, the condensed version):

Do you really feel that way about yourself? Do you really think that you don’t deserve good things? Do you really BELIEVE that GOD created you to be depressed, unloved, and to fail? Or do you KNOW that we are in a spiritual battle every second of every day? Do you know that the devil wants you to feel guilty for surviving, loving yourself, and moving forward? Do you know that EVERYTHING that the devil does YOUR GOD means for good? The devil wants you to feel like if you move forward your forgetting Austin and Jaxon and that is a LIE! Austin and Jaxon are in HEAVEN. They want you to look up at them and smile while you take steps forward. They are not behind you, they are in front of you and they will remain in front of you calling you forward until the day that you are called to be with them in Heaven. The devil will have you believe that your Loving God took them from you and is punishing you. The devil wants you to be angry at GOD for doing this. The TRUTH is that GOD sees your hurt, he is crying with you because he knows how it feels to lose a child and watch a child suffer. He is holding you and loving you even when you are angry and doubting him. So this is what I am going to say to you: The devil means to steal your happiness, kill your spirit, and destroy your life. That is what he comes to do. Place that anger on the one who deserves it and that is the devil, NOT GOD. Accept and trust that your God saved your boys and even though the devil meant if for bad, God has made it good and will continue to do so. In your memories of Austin, while you replay that accident in your head and you hear shattering glass and you are breathless and paralyzed with fear and the chaos that surrounds you. BE STILL and remember that he reached across to protect you and Jaxon. In that chaos, there is beauty. That beauty is that memory of a good man, loving you, and exemplifying the type of father that he already was!

Needless, to say we cried and cried and cried. We replayed the accident from her point of view. I got loud and shouted at her that GOD loves her. I refused to accept the negative and doubtful perception that the devil tries to bring to her. I told her to choose her perception. She can choose to allow the devil to replay pain, to bring her grief, and take her joy. Or she can choose to see it for what it is when the devil is making that attempt on her thoughts. She can slowly close that door in her mind on the devil and make it to where he is unable to walk through it.

I work on this daily and I am no angel, TRUST ME I know where I am lacking. At the same time, I know that I deserve good things and I know that God sees my heart.

I felt called to write this down today for my daughter to call on when she needs reminding. Also, to serve as a reminder to those of you out there who may need it or know of someone who may need it. Our job on earth is to lift each other up, care for each other, invest in each other, and support each other in Christ. We are not meant to do it alone. We are meant to do it together. Remind others of your love for them and Christ’s love for them….you never know how you’ll impact them and you never know if it may be your last words to them in this life. Love always wins!

 

Much  LOVE,

Amanda C.

The last few months seem like a never-ending blur of life that quickly came and went. I haven’t had the time to sit and think about them let alone sit and write about them. Today, at this moment, I should be working on my thesis project, finishing cleaning, doing laundry, etc. But I can’t because my mind is wandering due to all the changes that have occurred, are occurring, and are going to occur. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that change is inevitable. I can not plan enough to stop it or control it, it simply is what it is. In late October, I found out that I was going to be a grandmother. In November, I had to have a biopsy due to a health scare that came out okay but is worrisome and has to be continuously watched. In December, I celebrated my daughter’s birthday, our anniversary, and the birth of Christ. In January, I came to terms with the fact that my youngest child turned 10 years old and that I am no longer a mother of young children (this was exceptionally hard). The next week our lives changed again with news of my husband’s job change, across the country no less. We have spent the last few weeks battling a nasty virus that exploded on to all the family members of our house, despite my best efforts at sanitizing and cleaning. We’ve been planning, searching, and praying for a place for my husband to live that is safe and affordable while we are living with the expenses of two households. To complicate things I have had a job change. Thankfully, amongst all of these changes I have reliable friends that I have built incredible relationships with and with a phone call or two I have the income needed to support my family during this time. Let’s compound the issue a smidge more with the fact that I am finishing my masters degree during all of this. To say the least, I have had my moments of insane thoughts and stress, but really overall I am rather proud of myself. I am proud of myself that I have remained calm, believed, prayed, and remained optimistic that all these things are possible one day at a time with God laying out each step. Every time I think it is impossible, I say a small prayer. Every time I become overwhelmed, I say a small prayer. Every time I start missing my husband, (he’s not even gone yet) I say a small prayer. Every time I think about not getting to see my grand baby and daughter anytime I want after we move, I say a small prayer. Every time I think about missing my step-sons events and his ornery smile, I say a small prayer. The list could continue for eternity. During these times I remind myself that life is so short and I want to be able to say that I experienced it. I want to be able to say that I showed my children how to be brave and confident in Christ and themselves through change. I want to show them to be unafraid of the unknown because whatever it may bring God is bigger, stronger, and overwhelmingly behind them during all of it. I want them to see life outside of their bubble of comfort and become uncomfortable. During that discomfort I want them to learn how to cope, gain confidence, learn different ways of living, and challenge who they are while determining who they want to become. I want them to see how society binds us with certain beliefs and I want them to blow those societal binds to shreds as they become world changers in their own individual ways. Most of all, I want them to be happy. Happy in whatever moment they are in. Happy during the pain of leaving. Acknowledging those fears and sadness is needed. And after that acknowledgment comes the time to celebrate what we have had and what is to come. With all these things in mind, I will teach them that it is okay to be sad and nervous as long as it never defeats what we are meant to do. The next few months we will slowly transition our lives away from our loved ones, away from our family home, and away from our community and friends. We have been so incredibly blessed with our lives and relationships. I don’t know how California can compare to the love that we have of our childhood home….but without fear…We will give it a shot with an open mind to what God is taking us to next… TO BE CONTINUED..

Love,

The Chapman’s

It feels like the last few years have been one thing after another. It’s funny how our mind tries to protect itself by forgetting a lot of details. Recently, we found out that we are going to be grandparents. WHAT?? 34 years old and a grandma! I freaked out for a few reasons. Number one: My daughter is 19…yeah so my daughter is 19… Number two: we have 8 people living in our house. Number three: My daughter is 19.. Number four: I can barely keep up with the current 8 people. Number five: My daughter is 19. Number six: I still haven’t slept a full night due to my youngest…and the sleepless cycle continues. Number seven: My daughter is 19. You get the point… I will give you a down low…this is the real deal right here about what I have learned in life and this situation so far. But first, let me explain my personality a bit. I am blunt, outgoing, and as extrovert as it gets. I am a “FIXER.” I have mentioned this before…. When faced with a stressful situation I immediately have a physical/emotional response. A “freak out” period of time, if you will. Depending on the situation and all the other situations that are simultaneously happening this freak out time period could be a few hours or a few weeks. It all depends on the variables involved. Regardless, of the how long it takes me, I always do the right thing. We found out that our daughter was pregnant at the same time that I am helping with a program that I am a part of (which is time-consuming), while I am dealing with some health issues of my own, health issues with our oldest son, and I am currently working full-time and writing my thesis for my Master’s degree that I will be graduating from in April. About the same time that our G-baby Jaxon will be joining us. To say the least…I was on overload. The day-to-day stresses of 5 children and work and school and household chores and scheduling children’s appointments and my own homework is daunting. Not to mention I have another part-time job to help bring up the slack for medical bills. At this point it just starts getting insane.. Alright, now let me bring it back to what I have learned in life and what this situation has taught me. I will start with this..I got pregnant at 19 and had my first child. The situation was stressful and his father and I were not together. (My husband adopted my son.) The comments and guessing games of who my “baby daddy” could be, from members of my small community became comical but stung non-the-less. Being a single mother, living with my best friend, and going to college was hard. I lived in a nasty apartment (it was all we could afford) and was always stressed. At the time I was so mad at my dad for hanging me out to dry. Now, I am thankful that he was hard on me. I learned how to survive. Those years were character building for me. I learned how to push through the struggle. That’s for sure… It made me even more of a fighter than I already was and I am thankful for that. Of course, all of these memories come flooding back when we find out that our daughter is pregnant. I am instantly reminded of how hard it was, how I had to talk myself in to finishing school (a few times), and how stressed I was (that hasn’t really changed, I just handle it better.) I went through the last month wondering how to handle this situation. Do I become crazy momma bear and make sure everything is just right and so so? The OCD part of me wants to do that!! Badly!! Once I got through my initial reaction (it took a few weeks) I landed on a better plan. My husband and I talked nightly about how to encourange our daughter to take responsibility and teach her what parenting is. If we do everything for her, how are we setting her up to be ready? This was so hard for me. I want to protect her and Jaxon. I know things will get done if I am doing them. (Again, that is the OCD talking.) I prayed, Alan and I prayed, and we talked. We sought advice from our parents.. ALL of which had children who had kids at a young age. We asked them what they thought about us? How did they make the decisions they made for us? They all said the same thing in different ways. Pretty much, I have to let go and support my daughter rather than do everything. (Again, this is so freaking hard for me) All of these conversations are happening while my father is moving out. (He lived with us for 3 and 1/2 years) and then I have to let go of a child too? It’s too much.. My daughter moved in with my mom to have more space for her and the baby and so our other kiddos have some space of their own. We all felt like that would work better so that she could have privacy and my mom has two extra rooms, she lives alone, and she has great snuggle boobs. (It’s a fact Nana, baby’s love those boobs!) Taking all these things into consideration it was what was needed. So now here I am with what feels like the most empty house I have ever lived in. (we still have 6 people..lol..gosh I am so dramatic) This situation has reminded me of a lesson that I have learned so many times in life.. I can’t control it and I can’t fix it. I have to have faith that I have taught all the lessons and that my kids have listened and GOD has them. If there is ever a test of faith, this has been it for me. I want my daughter to succeed! I want her to realize what she is capable of! I want her to have confidence in who she is! None of these things happen if I do it all for her… So, I let go and come along side her in support of her needs when she asks. ( I didn’t think this time would come for a while. I wasn’t ready for all these parenting decisions!) Now that I have gotten my millions of emotions off of my chest I have to say all the positives. This will most likely be the most loved child who has ever lived! Between our familly and his father’s family he will always have love! He has amazing grandparents on both sides who have so much life experience to teach him. He has aunts of all ages and uncles who will more than likely be like older brothers to him! Who doesn’t need a few older brothers and cousins to have your back? Now that all of our life changes are done for at least another few months, I can focus on being a Gigi and doing what grandmas do…FREAKING SUGAR THEM UP AND SEND THEM HOME! I have always said that I was made to be a grandma! I am going to love this! I didn’t plan on being this young as a grandma but I am going to kill it and so will my husband. I plan on still being able to out run him in ten years! That’s the definition of a kick ass grandma, one that can out run you!! Yes…people… I am going to nail this grandma gig! Have a great Thanksgiving!!

Amanda

 

I have three daughters… This fact weighs on me heavily everyday. I can’t tell you why. I think about my boys all day long also, but for some reason my daughters are always heavily in my thoughts. I have thought a lot lately about the racial tension within the United States. The long-standing issues that this country has had with racial divides. I hate it. Every time that comes up in topic, my mind then wanders to the gender prejudice that has lived throughout the world since the beginning of time. My thoughts then come back to my daughters. They are mixed race, Native American and Caucasian. I hate thinking about their race or blend of races being held against them for any reason. I hate to think that because they are women that their opinions will not be heard and their capabilities will be considered void.

You see my husband is the leader of our home. He is a quiet man in public. However, people seem to misconstrue his quiet nature for lack of opinions and conviction. I am the loud boistrous one between the two of us. We speak to each other on the issues that concern our family and because I have a knack for speaking, I am the one who voices whatever issue might exist (most of the time). What people tend to forget is that my husband agrees. For example an issue came up with one of our children a few years back. We had not moved back to our home town yet and my husband worked an hour away. I went in to address the issue, ask my questions to make sure I understood correctly, and attempt to solve the problem. I got treated like I was an idiot for having any questions at all…I called my husband and told him that he would have to handle this one. (Surprise..he talks!) He went in and addressed the same issue and said the same things and got treated with the utmost respect. Hmm…okay, I see how this works.

This is a passionate topic for me.. just ask my father. We argue constantly about things in this world that are inadvertantly degrading women. One thing we do agree on is women degrading themselves. That is a culture cycle that has been handed down from woman to woman for centuries and needs to be broken. Women deserve respect and should not settle for anything less. A strong man makes sure he exemplifies that in how he treats his wife and how he treats and teaches his daughter. A strong woman exemplifies that in how she conducts herself while her daughter is growing and learning.

I will say this, there are a lot of issues in the world. But racial and gender prejudice has gone on long enough. I do not want my daughters growing up in a world that disrespects their culture and their femininity. They WILL know who they are, where they come from, what they deserve, and not to be ashamed of the talents that GOD has blessed them with.