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I turned a year older this last week. Contemplating my life, goals, and parenting is on my mind daily. It is especially exacerbated when my birthday rolls around. If you don’t know me well I will let you in on a little secret. I AM A PLANNER! I have gotten better at living freely and not planning as I have aged. Mainly because I don’t have the energy I once did to plan every little detail. Now I just hit the big stuff and the details fall where they may. I preface this blog with all this to get to my main point. The one thing that I have learned as I get older is that life should be FUN! I have spent too much of my life being the planner… being serious…being responsible…etc. The older I get the more I want to experience life outside of my comfort zone. I want to challenge my body. I want to challenge my mind. I want to show my kids that mom is fun too..not just dad. So let’s get down to the nitty gritty… how is this accomplished? Well, for those of us who were born focused on accomplishing daily goals and being serious, we have to retrain our brains. I get up every morning and workout. It gives me a time to be physical and not have to think. All I do is jam to some rap.. specifically NOTORIOUS B.I.G. (Who doesn’t love Biggie Smalls?) Seriously, he has some good beats..besides the language…he was a genius. Back to my point..I get up early and it gives me time to work out some energy and start my day right. Then I read my bible app for the day… right now I’m reading through the book of Isaiah. God put it on my heart a few years ago to read Isaiah and focus on what he wanted me to learn from it. I keep re-reading it because I haven’t found yet what I am meant to get from it…but I will one day. After this, I have time to actually fix my hair and put makeup on. (The public is thankful for that one) Anyway, this time every morning gets me set for the day. I am ready to face the world and enjoy the day. I find myself, throughout the day, resorting back to my task mentality and getting lost in the things that don’t matter. For example, when I come home for lunch and I get 3o minutes with my husband to connect without kids around. I start to see dishes, sweeping, and laundry loads dancing in my mind. That is the devil keeping me from my time with my husband. So, I have to catch myself and focus on what matters. What matters is my dead sexy husband wanting to spend his lunch with me. Man…I’m a lucky girl! So the point of this blog is to learn how to get away from the things that we make a priority that shouldn’t be. That’s brain training and thought training. Just like we train our muscles to do an exercise or workout, we slowly become better at that exercise. We become stronger. The same concept applies here. Get up everyday and train your brain to focus on what is important not the details that won’t matter later. Eventually, it becomes habit to think the way you want. I am currently training my brain to have fun in every thought. Do you know how interesting it is to think about how to have fun in every moment? It seriously makes the world look so much different. I don’t come off as the responsible type in this scenario, but I don’t care. I am enjoying getting out of my own head and living life for my happiness. My goal one day is for my children to remember how goofy mom was and how I could have fun in any situation with them. I am not perfect at it, “progress not perfection.” I will leave you with this. What is your brain training that you need to work on? Think about it and set your mind to changing it!

I am so excited that school is back in session for my kiddos. At the same time, I am sad that my calendar has started to look like a rainbow puked on it. (Everything is color coded) We go back to homework, practices, and a zillion activities. This year especially, has reminded me that I only have 5 more years to make sure that my sons are fully prepared for adult life. 5 more years to make sure that they know how to manage money, shower properly (the struggle is real!), and be responsible. Questions come to mind such as: “Are they confident enough to oppose peer pressure against drugs, sex, etc?” “Do they realize how crazy some girls are?” (Ladies, don’t be offended. Be honest with yourselves, you know what I am talking about here) “Are they able to communicate effectively their needs and be resourceful for themselves?” The answer to these questions are unclear to me. That freaks me out! So, my fourteen year old has been bombarded with uncomfortable talks that include: honoring himself and his future wife, characteristics of crazy girls to watch for, and the outcomes of drug abuse. Honestly, he has been tired of me talking but he is too nice to tell me to stop. Today, as I am having another talk with him, he asked me if we could take a break from the talks. I honored him since he handled it like an adult and was polite about it. First off, the fact that my teenage son communicated to me like a calm, peaceful adult made me so proud. He didn’t react, he didn’t show impatience or frustration, he just asked calmly. I can check “calm communicator” off my list of things to teach him. Through all of this thinking, I have started to think about making my children’s every moment a priority. Not that they weren’t already a priority, but I am focusing more on every little second we have because those seconds are slowly drifting away. So now we get up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 5:30am and we work out together to start our day. We have time together to talk, listen, and learn about each other as individuals. It has been so refreshing to learn about life from his point of view. (teenage boys are gross and weird, but I don’t let that show on my face! I am stoic..I am strong!) It’s even more weird to see him as a small man rather than my little boy. I struggle with that concept everyday!! I will continue to adapt and find ways to connect, teach, and listen to my boys. Every time they want something from me I tell them I will do it if they will have a serious talk with me. It worked one time. The barter was for a video game and my step-son was a trooper through my speech and totally engaged with me in the conversation. He was happy with the video game and I felt like an accomplished parent having spoke immense wisdom into his life! That’s called a “win, win” folks! I say all of this to say, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET THROUGH TO THEM. The world plays a ruthless game with our children. I will go to endless lengths to make sure they know what they need to know, have confidence in themselves, and are prepared for life as much as possible.

PS. Make sure and have some fun while doing it!

Until next time…. Amanda C

 

 

So, I have to write a post on this topic. I feel like I am being called to write it… It seems that in society today that there are so many people with the “victim mentality.” This may be controversial to some, but it is not intended to be. It is merely my observation and opinion. When I say, “Victim Mentality” I mean those who never find fault in themselves but are always able to find fault in someone else. I feel like this mentality steals the thunder of those who really are victims in this world. In reality, we are all a victim of something. What makes the difference in life is if we choose to live in that place in our own minds. Some of us have significant reasons to be a victim. Some of  us don’t really have a reason at all, but we were never raised to see our own faults so we innately make it someone else’s fault. Either way, who does this help? Does it help any of us to live blaming others for our hurt? Nope, it only causes us to continually hurt, hate, blame shift, and never live up to what God created us to do. I can say this because I spent a lot of time in early adulthood living in this mentality. Making my parents feel awful for never being the parents that I thought they should be or protecting me the way that I thought they should. Now that I am a mother and a nurse, I see what my parents did for me. They didn’t mean to do it, but it was kinda just the circumstances at the time. They didn’t rescue me from life. They didn’t talk to my teachers for me. They didn’t coddle me or fight my battles for me. They stepped in after I proved that I had exhausted all my resources. But believe me, I had to prove that I had attempted communication through the “chain of command.” (My dad is a retired Lt. Col. for the Army) Everything was about respect and following the chain of command. If you know him today, he is nothing like he was when I was growing up. My kids see a much softer side. I mean seriously, there was no pouting or acting like a baby when it came to my dad. He had no mercy because he knew the world would have no mercy. My brother got sent to military school for an entire summer. I will never forget dropping him off. I realized at that point in time, my dad wasn’t playing around! It hit home people! Coming back to my original point… I know enough about myself to know that I am strong-willed. If I hadn’t had my dad there, challenging me to act right and be better, where would I be? Who would I be? When I got pregnant at 19, he said good luck. He supported me emotionally and he has always been a wonderful grandpa.. but he wanted me to feel the extent of my decisions. My very real, very life altering decisions. I am glad that he did! It has made me better, more mature, and stronger than I ever imagined. As a nurse today, I watch parents coddle and coddle and coddle some more. It is natural. I catch myself doing it and then I have to talk myself out of it… As my children get older, I am reminded more and more of why I need to step back from taking action and be more of a verbal guide for them. Now, I am not saying that parents should not be parents in situations that call for it… don’t twist this into something extreme. I am saying that we need to allow our children to handle their lives, fight some battles, and fail if they need to. It is the only way that they will learn how strong they are as an individual, how to rely on God, and how to cope effectively. My parents didn’t do everything the right way and I don’t do everything the right way. But I am trying to be a good parent and I know God sees my imperfect effort. (He probably laughs a lot too..it makes me smile to think about me making God laugh….#winning) I have a great friend that is so smart..(she’s a social worker and she is excellent at it!) One day she and I were talking. I am telling her how I feel like I work too much and I am not a good mom for all kinds of reasons. She says, “Amanda, do your kids have a better life than you did at their age?” I say, “Heck yes, my parents fought all the time and childhood was hectic.” She said, “then you are doing your job.” I had never thought about it like that. I was so busy being hard on myself and BLAMING life circumstances for having to work so much that I didn’t realize what I was doing right. This is just one example, but reflecting on life I see how many different times I have done this to myself. For me, it had to do with changing my outlook to simply see what was going right and what I was doing right. We don’t need a world full of people blaming each other. We need a world full of generations of people who know how to help themselves, help each other, and pick themselves up and dust themselves off when the situation calls for it. We need to stop being the victims and start being the winners!

Do any of you have a child that is considered “special?” I mean, we all think our kids are special..of course. I am talking in the sense of “special” like special needs.. AKA not “typically developing” or whatever other medical jargon you can think of throwing at it! I was just having a reminiscent conversation with my daughter’s dance teacher last night. She was asking me about our daughter Gracie. Gracie has Williams Syndrome. I will spare you the lengthy, detailed description of how we found out about her diagnosis and everything that we went through to get her situated and ready to attack this thing called life. It would take hours to explain.. I will tell you how it has impacted our family, community, and myself. When she was born we knew something wasn’t right.. I think as a mother, you kinda just know. I can even remember my brother telling me that he knew something wasn’t right, but he didn’t want to upset me by saying that!! Upset me? A postpartum mother with a newborn, a 12 month old, 3-year-old, and 4-year-old. Sheesh…why would the (sleepless, sore nippled, haven’t bathed in a month) mother get upset about you telling her that something “just isn’t right” with her new baby. Okay, now that I am writing it… good call Wes. You are so SMART! Anyway, we knew something was up. Let’s skip to when we found out that Gracie did have Williams Syndrome. I cried and cried because I had a real fear of the unknown. Williams syndrome was unknown to me. Disabilities were unknown to me. (I wasn’t a nurse yet at this point in time) I was scared for Gracie and…full disclosure…I was scared for the person who was mean to her or made fun of her, because the wrath of her mother would explode on them like the green snot in Ghost Busters!! That’s real, right there. Re-read that last sentence, because that is how I felt at the time. I hated, hated, hated that I couldn’t protect her from what was to come in her life. People, medical issues, school, just to name a few. Fast forward to present day. I sit back watching this amazing little girl take the world by storm. She has a contagious, infectious personality that can make anyone smile on a bad day. Her father and I can be in the middle of a heated debate and God decides it’s time to wake her up from a sound sleep to crawl into our bed… She comes in and does something goofy as she always does and immediately, no matter what is being debated, it is settled. Because we are both instantly made aware, in that moment, of what we have together and that Gracie is our proof that we can overcome any obstacle. Did you know that the divorce rate for parents of children with special needs is high? I understand why…It is stressful, it is hard, it is tiring, there are “extra hurdles” in the race of life with our kiddos. That many hurdles gets exhausting. Marriages fail because of it. It’s unfortunate but true. Back on topic, I can take Gracie anywhere around this town we live in and I feel like I am with a celebrity. EVERYONE knows Gracie. EVERYONE tells Gracie hello. Heck Gracie knows more people than her dad and I do.. let me connect all this to my main point.. The discussion I was having with my daughter’s dance teacher focused on how I was once scared and now I can’t imagine life any different. Our community has rallied behind our daughter. But it hasn’t just been to support Gracie. Gracie has provided support and lessons to others just because of who she is. She provides a small glimpse into what God wants us to remember everyday.. That is LOVE. Gracie has love for everyone. She wants everyone to know they are “her friend” and she shows her siblings, her teachers, her doctors, her nurses, her classmates, and everyone else that she encounters in life that “special” is acceptable and not scary at all. We have nothing to fear. We only need to learn to accept and LOVE like my girl is able to. Thank God for sending her to a mother who needed her as much as she needed me.

Do you have a healthy outlet? I didn’t use to, but I do now. As I get older and I learn about myself more and more, I realize how important it is for me (and my personality in particular) to have a good healthy stress relieving outlet. When we were first married my husband used to get frustrated with me because I cleaned ALL OF THE TIME. Like, I walked around behind my children picking up every little crumb, toy, and item they may have dropped. My OCD had been in full effect since childhood. Cleaning was stress relief for me. My husband didn’t like it…get this…not because he didn’t want to live in a clean house, but because I LOOKED ANGRY WHILE DOING IT. Hahahaha! He always said, “you look so mad when you are cleaning.” It made him uncomfortable. I used to get frustrated with him for getting frustrated with me. What man says that? I mean come on, just let me clean! It took me a while to learn that cleaning was my coping mechanism. When I couldn’t control a situation or I couldn’t “FIX” a situation, I cleaned. I am a “FIXER” that is my personality. Not in the sense of like Olivia Pope type “fixer” (If you don’t know who that is google it! Good show!) Anyway, I have always had the “fixer” personality. It is why I am a great manager of such a large family and what makes me an exceptional RN. As I have aged, I am starting to experience pains in my body that I am not used to. I have always worked out and exercised, and I suppose now that is catching up with my joints. Oh and all the years of eating like crap because I had an amazing metabolism that went kaput on me. When my thyroid gave up, it all went to hell quickly. STUPID THYROID! I guess since I look at myself everyday, I didn’t even realize what was slowly happening to me. I have a great friend that knew me well enough to know I would be interested in a “clean eating education” that she was hosting. I went and it all made sense. I researched it and it was true. I saw a functional medicine doc that confirmed everything for me. I did more research and more research and more research… all continuing to confirm the benefits of clean eating on our bodies. Being the preventionist that I am, I went in full force. I lost 30 lbs total and have successfully maintained my weight for over a year. Clean eating became my hobby, as well as, changing up my workout routine. In the community that I live in the tribe has a great community health program that provides all kinds of free workout classes that incentivize the entire community to participate and become healthier. I can’t really find an excuse not to participate in a free program, where all I have to do is show up and do what I am told. So, I went. I made friends, I made goals, I met goals, and I have successfully replaced my need for “Angry” cleaning with a need to exert energy and challenge my body. I don’t have any certain body image that I am going for. I just want to feel good in my skin! Remember I am a nurse. I have seen all kinds of bodies. NONE of us are the same. There is no such thing as a perfect body. I can’t compare myself to something that doesn’t exist. It’s like trying to become the “mythical unicorn.” I have accepted that it isn’t gonna happen! On the flip side, my husband is happy because I clean like a normal person, at normal intervals, without an angry face! Sheesh, the compromises we make in marriage! No really, I did have an angry face while cleaning. I just never had anyone watching me do it until I got married. Thanks for pointing that out honey.. shout out to you for keeping my face wrinkles in check! To sum up this random post.. Do you have an outlet? Not an angry outlet, but a real outlet? An outlet that makes you feel good. One that reminds you of who you are as an individual? Not as a spouse, child, employee, or parent but who you are? If you don’t, I highly recommend that you find something that serves as your outlet. In today’s business, we need something to ground us! Have a great day! 

At what point in life did you learn to see situations for what they are and not what you are imagining them to be? Did you ever learn? I know for me it took well into my twenties to see things objectively and not emotionally. I’m still perfecting this fine art.. I haven’t always made the best decisions..(if you’ve read some of my other blogs you are well aware of this known fact!) I used to be ashamed of my mistakes, but now I’m rather proud of them. Not that I made bad choices, but proud that I learned from them. They’ve brought me to this fabulous life I live. However, I have gotten much better at being objective and less reactionary. My husband is a master at being objective. He is the strong, silent type. You know..the exact opposite of me!! He’s the guy that people never know if he likes them or not at first meeting. He has to be around you multiple times before he shows any emotion toward you. I, on the other hand, can meet a stranger on the street and have a conversation about the wonders of the world without an uncomfortable moment occuring. So like I said, we are exact opposites!! He looks at opposition in life with no dramatic reaction…most of the time. (He will get dramatic quickly if it involves our children in any way.) He’s a passionate dad, that’s for sure. But most of the time, he’s the calm, cool, collected type. Looking back on our marraige I see all the times that I’m flipping a wig over things that are so trivial. I remember him talking me down, reminding me that life is bigger than whatever is bothering me. Credit to him for teaching me something I didn’t learn or pick up as a child. Through his example, I’ve found peace with myself. Now back to the main point of all this…when did you learn that concept? Did your parents teach you? A friend? A teacher? It’s amazing to feel all the emotions of the world, but sometimes all of those emotions are the same thing that keep us from learning what we are meant to learn. For example, healthy vs. unhealthy relationships. Relationships are the most emotionally charged situations we will ever be involved in throughout our lives. However, they can be healthy and unhealthy. Do you have a friend that has gone from one bad relationship to the next and just can’t ever figure out why things keep ending up badly? Is it you that has that problem? Do you ever stop to think objectively about what causes the demise of those relationships or what characteristics you are looking for in a partner? Do you ever stop to think about yourself and how you view life and those relationships? Let me be the first to say that I got extremely lucky with my husband. I never stopped to really analyze my decisions and choices. I totally lucked out with the life and partner that I have. I do, however, want my children, my friends, and my family to be better than I was…better than I am. They may not be so lucky. I want them to learn about themselves, what they want in life, what they want in a partner, and be strong enough to go get it! Don’t we all want to see that for our loved ones? To sum this up…the thought for today is: are you learning from your mistakes, not just in relationships but all your mistakes? Are you praying? Are you reflecting? Are you building up strength to make the right choices for yourself? Something to chew on…have a great weekend everyone! 

So, this past week my stubborn grandmother fell on her face while taking an evening stroll. She missed judged her steps and the pavement of the uneven small town road absorbed all of her body weight via her face. You know it hurts to catch all of your body weight with your face! She broke her 87 year old nose and had to get her face stitched up, all while successfully breaking 7 of her remaining teeth. Nothing worse happened. No broken limbs, hips, etc. I’m really not sure how that happened, but thankfully it did. She is stubborn and refuses to stay any longer than 3 days in the hospital. She goes home and falls again, this time wrapping herself backwards around her toilet somehow. She told me that was her most graceful fall! So, she’s back in the hospital and again not wanting to stay any longer than necessary. Needless to say, we travel to see her and encourage her to spend time in the hospital gaining her strength back so as not to go home and fall again and injure herself any further. Before I go deeper into this story I will give you some background on my grandmother. She was born in 1928. She has lived through most every significant historical event known to our generation. She was a single mother when it was absolutely unacceptable to society. She gained a college degree from Oklahoma A&M (Oklahoma State University) when women didn’t go to college. She remarried and had another son. (3 sons total) two of which are doctors! She took care of her husband (my father’s adoptive father) until he passed from complications of type 1 diabetes. She took care of her father until he passed away at 99 years old. Through raising boys, caring for her husband, and caring for her father she obtained a Masters degree. She has never been one to accept any role placed on her. She’s always created her own roles in life! Now back to our hospital visit. We are in her hospital room with her paid caregiver that usually is at her home with her throughout the day. Her caregiver and her together remind me of the “Ya-ya sisterhood.” Telling me stories of fender benders, missing wigs, etc. It’s a long story…. Anyway, I’m cracking up listening to them tell me how onery they are as older women. It was hilarious and while watching them laugh at themselves, I’m thankful that my grandma has Mary to help her. You see, my grandmother has lived in the home her deceased husband built her for 56 years. She wants to die there like her husband and her father did. I understand this…I’m compassionate for her wants and needs and I hope that we as a family can help her to live out her days the way she wants and die the way she wants. As we continue to visit, my grandmother’s lawn guy comes to the hospital to check on her. She immediately starts talking lawn care with him, as if she isn’t even sick. He seems shocked that she is still able to be so bossy while all banged up. If I posted the picture of her banged up face on here…you all would be shocked too! Her eyes were so swollen she couldn’t hardly see! Then she starts to go around the room introducing the lawn care guy to all of us. She points to my husband and tells of his Native American descent. Then actually proceeds to tell the lawn care guy that I walked on to the tribal grounds and snatched my husband right up. My husband immediately starts laughing. I am dying laughing. My sister is laughing incessantly. Only my grandma could come up with this crap. I mean really! Who says that? I guess we’ll blame it on the fact that she’s old and delirious. Although the way she said it and how serious she was when she said it, did make it quite funny for the rest of us. It was a good laugh. She gave her grandchildren and great-grandchildren a good story to tell. Definitely one we will never forget! I love my grandma. I know she’s lived a long life. I’ve been fortunate enough to have her for this long. My kids have been fortunate enough to know her as a real individual and not just someone in my stories. Cherish the elders in your family, they bring so much more to the table than we could ever imagine! Listen to their history. Listen when they talk about what the world used to be. Listen when you hear it from their point of view. Take notes and gain wisdom! 

I hate, hate, hate the stigma attached to the image of “step-mother.” It’s so ugly and hateful. Right, I mean when you hear the word step-mother you think of Cinderella and you immediately feel defensive for Cinderella. I want to be defensive for Cinderella, that’s for sure! Anyway, I hate it. Did I say I hate it? The word just seems ugly in today’s society. I would rather be called “Rubber gloves.” This was a name my step-son gave me long ago, it faded with time. But hey…points for creativity! I came in to my step-son’s life when he was 11 months old. He was the cutest freaking chunky monkey of a toddler! He would actually let me hold him and rock him. My son started walking and has never sat still long enough to rock since. As my step-son ages into full blown teenage years I see his struggles. Common struggles. Normal struggles. Struggles that I have watched my other two older children go through. However, for him it is different. He feels it differently. He processes it differently. When I watch his face, I feel those familiar feelings that I felt when going back and forth between my parents homes. Sometimes, I woke up mad and to this day I couldn’t really tell you why. Now, as a reflective adult, I realize that I was confused and didn’t know how to maturely, objectively process my feelings. Anyway, I see these moments in him. He is smart, handsome as all get out, and athletic. He has a great mother and step-father. Throughout these years, we have all grown up together learning how to conquer this whole co-parenting thing. We have had our struggles, we have had to forgive each other, and we have had to decide that our kiddo is the most important thing. I tell my step-son every so often something that I would never openly tell my other children. Although, my oldest child will read this blog and then my secret is out.. I tell him that becoming his step-mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it has been the most life changing. He smiles when I say this now. Although, the first time I said it to him he cocked his head and looked at me funny. He said, why was it hard? I said, I am a control freak and I had no control!! It has humbled me and made me grow in uncomfortable ways that I wasn’t ready to accept. Then he laughed… It was the most honest answer and he knew it. I have learned that even though this family is my “first family” it is a “blended first family.” So what does that mean? It means that we are still blended. I am married to my husband and my step-son’s mother and his step-father. I was so naive to to think that it was just between my husband and I. Does the final decision of the things that happen in our home come down to my husband and I, the answer is yes. However, his mom is his mom. Let me say that again..His mother is his mother. So that means that my husband informs her, talks to her, and gets her opinion on things concerning my step-son. Do we talk about these things…yes we do. Do we consider her opinion and thoughts..ABSOLUTELY! Did it take myself, my husband, and my step-son’s mother a while to figure this concept out. You better believe it!! Are we perfect at it?? Nope..sure aren’t. We are human, so there’s that. However, I have a step-son that knows that he is loved. His confidence has grown because he feels secure. He doesn’t have to wonder what drama will ensue between adults. He knows that he is loved! He feels the exact opposite of how I felt as a step-child. People, you better believe every day that my goal for his life as a step-child is to be one million times better than mine! I may not get it all right the first time and I do make plenty of mistakes. However, he knows I would physically assault a full grown gorilla in order to protect him. Folks, to me, when they know you have their back even if they know nothing else…well, that’s a win in my book! This is cheers to a few more years of teenage confusion and killing this co-parenting thing!

PS..If you struggle in your co-parent situation. Make a decision to show your children how Christians treat each other and then actually stick to it. You can’t control the other parent, but you can control yourself~

 

At what point in our lives do we decide to be positive people? This is a valid question. It’s so much easier to be negative. It’s easier to complain, be frustrated, and get your groupies on board with you. Isn’t that so much easier than consciously working to be positive? I say this because this has always been a struggle for me. As a child, I grew up in a home of constant fighting. My parents know they were not great together, so this is no big shock to them or anyone who really knows our family. When my dad came home from war, he had severe PTSD. Although, as a child I just thought he was really angry all the time. I had no clue what he had endured. The fighting escalated and a divorce ensued shortly after. My mother never really dated anyone after the divorce. My father dated women, all of whom I had a deep disdain for. Looking back on it now, I wonder if it would have been different for my relationship with them if I knew how to be positive. As an 11-year-old girl, raised in a negative environment, I didn’t know how to be positive with people in my family. I had no problem being positive with people outside my family. Weird, isn’t it? Anyway, there was one girlfriend that was physically and emotionally abusive. I won’t go deep into this, let’s just say the experience heightened my negativity, my defensiveness, and my anger. I was a whopping 85 pounds of angry little girl!! After a few years of dating, my dad met someone he really loved. Then came the wife, who was normal in the beginning, but dang about two days after he put a ring on that finger the crazy came out in full force. I won’t get into all the details of this either other than this…. if you marry someone with kids, you are insane to expect them to never speak to their kids. I mean come on, what planet did you come from? So the crap hits the fan one night as my little sister takes some pushing and is getting yelled at. For those of you that don’t know me, this may scare you. I apologize in advance… Remember when I told you about that previous girlfriend who was abusive? All the PTSD from that came rushing back on this evening. I am once again placed in a position watching my baby sister get pushed around and yelled at by someone who just entered the situation. Except this time is different, I am older, I am bigger, and I have 9 more years of anger built up. Needless to say, it was on like donkey kong! I refused to stand by and be the victim or allow my sister to be the victim anymore. And that became that! Let’s fast forward, I have a child, I get married. I am now a mother and step-mother. I am looking at these boys thinking..”I never want you to feel how I felt.” It was almost unbearable at times to think about how vulnerable these kids are without me to protect them. When I had my son, I can remember laying in the hospital bed, post delivery, and telling my mom that I wish I could put him back in. She looked at me baffled…. but I was so scared that I couldn’t protect him. I NEVER wanted him to feel how I had felt. In my stomach, no one could hurt him because they would have to go through me. In my twenties, it took me a long time to learn how to separate this negative, defensive mindset that had always been my key to survival. It was my husband who helped me changed. He has always been this incredible friend to me. He always saw the real me, even when I couldn’t find her. He knew I had a good heart. He knew I was an advocate for people. He never made me feel bad for being a female with a voice. He empowered me to be better. He encouraged me to forgive. Forgive both of my parents, whom I had spent a long time being mad at, and forgive the women who caused me pain. He showed me what a POSITIVE spirit looks like!! I was hooked from that point on to gain this secret to life that my husband had already mastered. I pursued my relationship with God. I wrote stuff all over my mirror to remind me of where my head needs to be. I have been doing these things for years. And while I am still far from perfect, and I struggle with going back to those comfortable negative thoughts that are so easy, I continue to fight the fight necessary to keep my positivity. It has taken me 33 years and 10 months to learn, that I am in control of nothing. I can’t protect everyone, I can’t save everyone, and I can’t fix everything that I feel needs to be fixed. Through all of this maturing, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God I am finally to a place where I can really let go. I can debate something with someone and enjoy that we have a difference in opinion without getting angry. I can learn their perspective on life. I can love them because God created them. I can also ask for forgiveness when I have my human moments and I know God forgives me. That forgiveness is priceless to me. Walking around knowing that it’s okay to mess up, it’s okay to get frustrated with someone, and it’s okay to be emotional because I am forgiven and everyday I am trying to be better than the day before. ( I always try to say my apologies if I hurt someone’s feelings. If I ever hurt your feelings and didn’t apologize, I was unaware. I am sorry!) There is freedom in that feeling. There is freedom in positivity. Life will never stop throwing curve balls at me, us, our family and I am okay with that. That’s strange to say so I will dive further in and tell you why. My husband and I attended church one Sunday. Just like any other Sunday. Except this particular Sunday was about something that we both needed to hear that week. (As it usually is..) Pastor Craig said this, “If you live life without challenge and full of blessings that doesn’t necessarily mean that you are blessed. It could mean that the devil doesn’t see you as a threat to him.” Instantly my husband and I looked at each other. We didn’t have to talk to one another to know. We had endured blending a family when we had no clue what we were doing. We had 4 children all under the age of 4 at one time and lived to tell about it. (One of which was a brand new baby with significant health needs.) Our marriage had endured the diagnosis of our new baby. We endured one car and not enough money to pay the bills at times. We endured every struggle that every young couple faces and then some. We have since endured taking in a 16-year-old. We endured my father going to federal prison, getting released, and coming to live with us (Good night, now that I am writing about it…sheesh!) We have endured another health issue with our oldest son. The common denominator here is WE ENDURED. I often think back to that sermon. Then immediately, a smile forms on the corners of my mouth. If forms because I know that the devil will try anything to come against those who threaten him. He really wants to bring those threats down quickly. We are talking “steal, kill, and destroy” here people….this ain’t no joke. My goodness, my family members, my family as a whole, must be a HELL of a threat. (No pun intended) What’s so crazy is this: Yes, I am tired ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, we are a big crazy family that is going ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, we hit challenges that test us ALL OF THE TIME. However, I have done ALL OF THESE THINGS in a negative world and a positive world and I will attest that the POSITIVE WORLD is a much better place to face life. So with this brief testimony that I have given you today, I will leave you with this…YOU CAN ENDURE. YOU CAN LIVE LIKE GOD INTENDED FOR YOU TO LIVE. It will NOT be EASY, he didn’t promise us an easy button. But you can smile knowing that it will all work out.. just have FAITH and BE POSITIVE!